“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You Might Also Like
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.