@Reverend_Scott: It's the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. No,

@mishakey: If I see you being rude to a waitress, I'll spit in your food myself.

@Fred_Delicious: **You're through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops** [smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@MarfSalvador: GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness Me: Wait. . . wh-what? GF: I'm pregnant Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@CornOnTheGoblin: "Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?" *sigh* "Because you don't b-" "BECAUSE WE DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU"