@MelvinofYork: Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?

@GinAndJif: I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can't get out again.

@im_tommypickles: IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

@juliussharpe: Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.

@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.