@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
@iGreenMonk: One man's internet wife is another man's internet husband.
@bingowings14: Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should've just left it in its hole in the garden.
@david8hughes: [egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
@elwaytotheend: 10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she's gonna be a drug mule.
@heatherlarson77: Live today like it's your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.