@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
@subtleapt: My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
@shanethevein: Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo?
@JeremySchuetze: Life hack: Never actually say the words 'Life hack' out loud.
@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@Cryonius: 3 things that makes me stress:
• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days