[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.