@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
@marinhubka: Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
@pleatedjeans: [couple tossing baby back and forth]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
@aaronpaul_8: Joe: Yes, that was me.
Obama: Please stop.
Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.
@Bob_Janke: I don't know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
@thedadonline: Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.