@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
@JanineEB4: Lord give me coffee to change the things I can...and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
@WilliamAder: Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-"
"The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"
"Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"
@Amazon_Blonde: No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh...this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she's crying
@Home_Halfway: I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.