[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Incredible customer service.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]