[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Britain be like
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
this is me
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.