[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
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“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.