If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.