I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?