me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…