[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.