[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
happy friday
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey