[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You Might Also Like
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.