We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You Might Also Like
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”