The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?