Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.