[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste