Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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Me: Same.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???