@sfreeze6: Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@EndhooS: Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
@P1ssed_K1d: I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
@noog: I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.