Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.