[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
What the hell is going on?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.