“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Okay
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.