Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.