What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one