I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.