[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
You Might Also Like
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks