[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years