@ZachWeiner: Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she'll be about 3 million years old.
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@DukEB51: You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
@spikeWilton67: Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world.
@WilliamAder: Auto-correct turned "likeable" into "lickable" and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.
@Sleinso: Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon. Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.