Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
You Might Also Like
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“what that mouth do?” complain
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)