Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…