Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.