Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
become ungovernable
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”