Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
He’s cranky this morning
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.