Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
This forever.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Just say no
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane