@krishna_van: Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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@Smooheed: Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
@better_off_dad: 12: I hate school. Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you'll look back on this as the best time of your life! 12: Now you're just being mean
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!