@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
@CarpentersCrack: I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
@SamuelHLowe: I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
@Quartzjixler: My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
@Leemanish: Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to... you know, "happen" to them.
@TheWeirdWorld: Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.