Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.