Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
He’s cranky this morning
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When ur friends with white people
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.