stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
That’s enough internet for the day
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”