@michaelianblack: Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong.
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@KalvinMacleod: DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
@House_Feminist: (Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
@QwertyJones3: [Safari] "Remember, when you're near water beware of wild hippos." Don't worry, I'm prepared for that. *shows handful of white marbles*