@michaelianblack: Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work? ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH
@SmithWit: Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.