I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.