Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.