Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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had to make it
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on