I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
#winning
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
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