Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣