Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.