Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.