Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My therapist after every session
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.