OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that