When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice