@TheMichaelRock: Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
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@ericacanrant: You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
@chris_isloi: I'm going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
@Storminika: The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I'm hoping there's gonna be a sniper.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.