@TheMichaelRock: Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
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@elle91: In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
@DaddysinCharge: Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
@ashmensch: Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?