Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“How’s your day going?”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh