Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
this country is so goddamn polarized
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong