Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven