i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
wish me luck lads
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then