@hazelmotes1: Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
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@SteveSuckington: [100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@KeetPotato: wife: "im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it" store owner: "it's okay" me: [lying in a coffin] "the first one was better"
@merican_ninjy: I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.